How To Woo

I

SIR YOUTHFUL ANXIOUS

     WHAT to do
     When you woo,
     Listen and I'll tell it you.
Deep humility must teach
That the star's beyond your reach,
Yet must courage raise your heart
To the conqueror's lofty part.
Not too forward, shyly bold.
Not too hot, but never cold.
Fearing still to tread too near,
Treading nigher, spite of fear.
Laying all your logic down
As you pick your manhood up,
Disbelieving every frown,
Intent always on the cup.
     Hold her hand,
     Hold her gaze,
     Always stand
     In her ways ;
     Humbly kiss
     Her finger-tip ;
     She'll surrender
     You her lip.

II

SIR STALWART HEAVY

     What to do,
     How to woo,
     Here's some good advice for you.
Tell the maiden that you're strong,
Never let a weakness show ;
Say you're never in the wrong,
Never bent before a foe ;
Say you're in no need of help,
Never knew the face of fear,
Are sufficient to yourself,
Never shed a foolish tear.
     Then, Sir Stalwart,
     Sitting glum,
     Glower round
     And bite your thumb.

III

SIR SMILE THE NEIGHBOUR

     What to do,
     How to woo
     Your friend's wife who trusts in you—
Make her think that you're in pain ;
Act on this undoubted rule;
Stand an hour in the rain ;
Make her think that you're a fool.
Teach her dear and tender heart
For your agony to sigh ;
Play a foolish, loving part ;
Be embarrassed when she's by.
But your voice must never lend
Half a whisper 'gainst your friend
Who's her husband : here's the plan ;
Renunciation saves a man.
     Then, you devil,
     Slidder in,
     You've done your level
     Best to win.

Insurrections [1909]